OMG, STFU: Why Internet Lingo Should Be Banned

Admittedly, there are a few things that get my blood boiling. Gas prices, the healthcare crisis, and the fact that anybody’s still paying attention to the Spears girls will all chafe my hide, but peppering a conversation with abbreviated and/or purposely poorly-spelled words in the interest of saving time will send me into a pure, unadulterated rage.

I know there are worse things going on in the world around us. World leaders are being assassinated, wars are being fought under shady premises… I know this. But these are issues too large to tackle in this blog. And before I am lambasted for my dramatic response to a seemingly minor complaint, let me assure you that there are a few very valid arguments for the abolition of “1337-speak” that should have us all flying off the handle. I’ll briefly share a few of those with you now.

• It’s making us stupid. Out of seventeen high-income countries, the United States ranked tenth in adult literacy among its native citizens. About one in 17 American seventeen-year-olds can read and comprehend literature just complex enough for college. A highly unscientific study of the MySpace pages of my 17-year-old brother and his friends turned up such gems as ”idk! im exosted cuz of u ppl!” and “hahahahahafrCKEN HAHAH it not GRASSSGKB HKWHU.” Is it any wonder our teenagers do so poorly in school? They can’t read or write! I know it’s taxing to type the word “people” rather than the abbreviated “ppl,” and it must take enough brain power to bend spoons to form sentences such as, “I don’t know,” but could we at least try?

• It’s rude. Telling your friend, relative, or significant other that you’ll “tt[t]l” is completely inexcusable. It sends the message that it’s not important for you to convey the entire sentiment. Is your time really that precious? Are you in such a hurry that taking the few extra seconds to type out “I’ll talk to you later” will put you in a bind? If so, then perhaps you shouldn’t be on IM in the first place, you dirty slacker. Otherwise, be courteous. Would you tell your husband or wife “ily” rather than “I love you” if you were talking face-to-face (no, it doesn’t mean the same thing)? I’m pretty sure divorces have been initiated over less.

• It could be costing you your job. I’d be willing to wager that it’s more than mere coincidence that many of our IT positions, once filled by the Mountain Dew-swilling denizens of cyberspace who invented internet lingo, are being outsourced to people in other countries. They speak better English than we do.

Unfortunately, this is about all the time I have for ranting today. I’m not getting paid to blog (although reasonable offers for such will be blindly accepted with an eagerness unlike anything you’ve ever seen considered). All I ask is that the next time you find yourself composing an email or chatting to someone online, remember that using internet lingo is downright offensive to a number of people, from teachers to employers… and perhaps even people you rely on for much-needed nookie.

j/k, LOL!